I miss China. I can’t go to sleep at night until I put Chinese music in my ears and pretend I’m with my crazy kids. I picture my little chubby Tom bolting towards me with his arms frailing about as he just wants to reach me as fast as he can. I think about all the horror films I watched with my High School students and of how I would laugh and squeal with them all in one night. I think about the parties I threw in my room for my High School kids and friends. I picture buses honking and troughs as bathrooms. I would be telling a lie if I didn’t say I am ready to go back.
I was so emotional when I left I didn’t write about saying goodbye-the hardest part. I decided to have one final party with my closest friends. When I walked in carrying hamburgers to give each of them, I started to cry. The picture below is what was written on the board. Dani is my roommate, who I asked to help me plan the party. They were all smiling and waiting for us. We had a lot of Chinese food, and even a mix of American food. We played card games and I asked everyone in the room to go around and tell me a dream they have in life. We had music playing and I have to tell you it was a picture perfect moment for me.
I also had a goodbye party with my kids. I gave them gifts and told them I was leaving and that they wouldn’t see me for a long time. I told myself that I was going to be strong, that I wouldn’t cry. Well. That didn’t work to say in the least. The kids were crying and asking me in Chinese to not go back to America. They were asking me to stay in China. Pretty soon I was crying and wishing there was a way I could stay. We cried and as I held them each in my arms I’ll never forget their faint “No teacher Amber….no…” It was very hard for me to talk about China when I came back to America. China is my home. How could I talk about it when the memories were so fresh and brought back so many emotions? Even now I have a hard time, it just seems like I am unable to let go of all the precious moments I had.
When the bus rolled in and it was time to go I panicked. I knew I was going back to America, but I couldn’t help thinking-just one more day! All I need is one more day! I had a large group of friends around me. I hugged them over and over again and couldn’t let go. I cried until my heart was on the floor. When we got on the bus, I will forever remember their faces as they waved goodbye. I miss them. I miss them more than my heart can even express. I cried the whole 12 hours we were on the bus, I cried the whole 20 hour flight back to America, and I cried myself to sleep for weeks after I got home. I know. I had never cried so much in my life. I made friends that are forever etched on my heart. I took a daring chance, and I’m so glad I reached for it. I will never regret my decision; I grew and changed in wondrous ways. I hope one day to return. I dream each night of seeing my kids again. These pictures are of my High School students. :) I will never forget my times in China. If I could talk to my little ones today I would tell them: I love you and I think of you every day.
-Amber Toy
